*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My blood type is b hungry.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”