They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
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How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.