*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I am, perchance
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.