I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
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Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!