i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Name this drama.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99