How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Morning.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help