Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
#SaturdayBears
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.