Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
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Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.