“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
How dramatic are you?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock