What in the hell is “disposable income”?
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
This will never not be funny to me.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some