Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)