[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Bobby pin
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
*pronounces UPS like yoops
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.