where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
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If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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Dog: …
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.