“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
i’m still crying at this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Venn
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils