I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Ken is short for chicken
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together