Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
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therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like