me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.