My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
The Onion called it…again.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)