‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
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Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
How software testing works
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.