Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
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I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
never compromise your values
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures