Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
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Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Found my door mat
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.