[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’