(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
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Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I’m confused about plants
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.