Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
An odd boast
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos