Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
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When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Previously On Persistence 😎
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend