Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.