I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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LOOOOOOL
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I only treason on days ending in y
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.