Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
much to think about
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
🤣dope
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss