*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
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[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
u spoke cat all this time??????
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
the rocks need my help
She was REALLY feeling it.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent