I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
You Might Also Like
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.