[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Anyone really
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying