“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
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“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I hate when that happens.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.