My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
You got this…
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree