I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
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Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
6: are snakes just neck?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.