Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.