[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
You Might Also Like
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair