Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?