Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
bias laundering edition
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Battery falling down a hole
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.