I SAID YES!!! ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ someone asked if I was alone for valentineโs day!!!
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My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, โI canโt believe I blew 40 bucks in there!โ
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, Iโll see myself out.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Cop: whyโd you do it?
Me: I havenโt been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I donโt know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘ๆจ็้ซ้ชจๆฏ2.54ๅ็ฑณ้ซ.’
My 3yo said โAlexaโ repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didnโt know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the โright one.โ
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with โowโ
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Meeeee too!
Itโs not that I donโt care about your opinion but everyone has one. Theyโre everywhere. You canโt walk without tripping on one. Theyโre falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing heโs stuck at home
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with โJesus Christโ.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, Iโm like, โNo. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.โ
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…