my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”