My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
still the best tweet of the year by far
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.