I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon