Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
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After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.