Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
*seductively corrects your posture*
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.