Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
You Might Also Like
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.