If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
🤣🤣🤣
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.