never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
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I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt