Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me