I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
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if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all