When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.